God. Heaven. Hell. Where's the proof? Why does humanity exist? So we can die? We live, we die, and that is all. We can't change anything else in the whole universe. We only affect our tiny, helpless Earth. If there truly is a God, or whatever your religion says, why did he create us? If there is a higher power, we are just his game. We haven't been created to do something specific, but to just take up space. To be shelf ornaments. We would like to think humanity is something special. But really, we are all pawns in a huge chess game. We fight, we win or lose, we take more lives or are removed from the board. We are all equal in the sense that each can, in a way, do the same thing. We can all destroy each other. But some of us are bishops, some of us are knights, some are rooks or pawns, and some are the rare queen and king. We can all destroy each other, but each of us can do so in different ways. We all move in different ways, and can't move any other way. And we are not all the same, of two+ sides, represented as the two colors of the board. Black and white. So tell me, what is God really? Some mad man who created us because he was bored? To watch us suffer and die and kill. Sure, we help our allies, we show love and compassion, but do the pros outweigh the cons? Religion in of itself is a lie in some ways. Humanity created religion before we could speak and write because we had no way to prove things. We had nothing to explain to us why the tides come in and out, or why there is night and day, or why the seasons change. So we created 'God.' Just to ease our minds of our curiosity and of our thoughts of death. What is death? When a person dies. But when you think about it, were we ever really alive? Our minds are clouded by many things. By our hunger for power, by out need to protect, even by love. We don't 'live.' We only die. Living would be not caring about anything. Living would be to not love, not feel, not breath. So really, living in of itself is just death in another form. When you die, you live. When you live, you die. End of story. I know a lot of you are probably mad at me, and want to give me the lecture on 'God.' Well, newsflash. I'm a Christian. I go to church (not all the time mind you), I have read parts of the Bible, I know 'what God is.' But my opinion stays the same.

Let me ask you this. Where was 'God' when my mother died? Where was 'God' when my heart was broken countless times by the same guy? Where was 'God' when I thought of killing myself because of the pain I've been through. Where was 'God' when I started writing all those letters to no one about how I wish I had someone that understood me.

I love my family. I love my friends. I love my boyfriend. I even love someone who hates me right now. And what do I have to show for it? Nothing. No one really understands me. Well, one person does. And as stated above, he hates me. I can't be myself with anyone else anymore. I morph my personality to fit those around me. I hate it, but I can't help it. If I'm anything else than what they are use to, I'll be alone. I'm mature and innocent when I'm with my family. I'm fun and crazy with my friends. I'm flirty and ambitious when I'm with my boyfriend. And I'm depressed and lonely when I'm by myself. I can't be me anymore. Well, I can, but only to one person. The one person I love more than anything. The one I love with my whole heart and soul. And he won't even talk to me. I cry myself to sleep wishing I had done something different. Wishing I had the courage to call him up and tell him everything. Wishing one of my friends would call him and tell him he's all I talk about, all I think about. Wishing he would finally understand that no matter what, I will never get over him. Sure, if this continues, I'll get over the pain. I'll become somewhat normal again. He won't haunt my every thought or action. And maybe, just maybe, I'll meet that guy. That special guy that proposes to me and I say yes. But in the shadows of my heart, I will feel guilty. I know I will never love this man as much as I could. I know I will never be able to give him my heart and soul. I could try and hide the pain and memories and countless tears. But in the end, I will always and forever love only one person with my whole being. And I will never be his.

Yea, so now tell me where 'God' is. Try to tell me he's out there. Try to tell me he loves me. Because I won't believe the sh!t anymore. I'm tired of the lies. I'm tired of the masks and fake smiles I plaster on my face every f***ing day. There's no point in the pain. There's no reward for toughing it out. No higher being that will make you perfect when you die. Because guess what, you're already dead.

I know you are mad or shocked at me. This all just came out. I'm sorry. Don't tell me I'm wrong. Don't give me kudos for having the guts to say this. Don't say sorry. Give comments, but not towards me. Give comments towards my opinion and ideas. This is merely a RANT! Get over it. I've bottled a lot of emotions these past three years. It needed to be said. So with that in mind, thanks for reading if you did.

~CD